As I sit here and write this post tonight, I'm still in awe...in awe of God's goodness!! The past 72 hours have been the biggest emotional roller coaster...and I'm so very grateful!! Here is our story:
Josh and I have been trying to have a baby for the past two years. We've had numerous tests completed, I've been on many medications and we have been to the doctor more times than I can count, without success. Last month, we decided to go ahead with a procedure called IUI (intrauterine insemination). Everything went smoothly and we waited....and after a couple of weeks it became clear that we were not pregnant. Not this month, again. Infertility is a true test of faith. I've had to give this to God over and over again. I have to remind myself not to be a "doubting Thomas" and to remember that God is in control no matter what. "But Jesus beheld them, and said unto them, with men this is impossible; but with God all things are possible." Matthew 19:26. And this couldn't be more true. With wo"man" it is impossible. My body was not responding as planned, and we were continuing to not get pregnant. It's so hard to feel "broken" physically and emotionally. So I had to constantly remind myself that I am not broken, that I am REDEEMED!! That I've been washed in that cleansing blood and been made whole again!! And that the Lord already has this planned out...that I just have to let go and give him full control. I knew that He had our best interest in mind "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to His purpose" Romans 8:28. But sometimes when you're in the midst of that valley, you're thinking "ok Lord, I've been patient, I've learned a lot down here...so now I'm ready to get out of here...how long is this going to last?" No one wants to be there, but it's there, in the valley, when we learn the most. When the Lord teaches us the most. Because one thing is for sure, there is only one direction to look from way down there...and that is up, to HIM!! One song that spoke to my heart was "Redeemed" by Big Daddy Weave: "Seems like all I could see was the struggle...bound up in shackles of all my failures, Wondering how long is this gonna last? Then You look at this prisoner and say to me, son, Stop fighting a fight that's already been won. I am redeemed...You set me free!!"
Now fast-forward to Saturday October 5th. We decided to go ahead with another IUI. Josh went with me. Everything went fairly well and we started the waiting game, again. I remember praying on the way home. Josh and I were pretty quiet on the drive back and I just remember praying and looking out the window. It was a beautiful day and the sun was shining directly on my face. I felt the Lord's presence...I knew He was there and prayed that he would draw us close to him. Shield us from the hurt and pain. To give us courage and strength, that can only come from Him!! And so we carried on with our normal daily routines. I had a test called a Progesterone level drawn the following Friday. They called on Monday and said that it was "31" which was really good and just means that I did indeed ovulate! But, its been good and high before, so I thought "well that is good." I was happy, but didn't want to get my hopes up. Josh and I had a busy work week the following week. Both working nights. So we worked...and waited.
Early Thursday morning, around 1:30am, while at work, it became pretty clear that I was not pregnant, again. And I completely lost it. I was alone, in the bathroom, weeping. I asked for a break, and went outside to call Josh at work, and he couldn't answer. Thankfully, I was scheduled to get off at 3am instead of 7, so I tried to gain my composure and finish out the last of my shift. As soon as I got into my car, I began sobbing, again. I couldn't stop crying. And I began praying through my tears. Telling God that I didn't understand, but that I know ultimately, He is still in control. So that was my ride home, crying and praying. I turned on the radio, desperate for a word from Him, an encouraging song or something that could minister to me in that moment. And the first song I heard was "Blessed Be Your Name." I heard it and was about to turn it and then heard these lyrics, and knew that this was the song I needed: "Blessed be Your name, On the road marked with suffering, Though there's pain in the offering, Blessed be Your name. Every blessing You pour out, I'll turn back to praise, when the darkness closes in, Lord still I will say Blessed be the name of the Lord." I sang this song and started quoting scripture: "For nothing is impossible with God" Luke 1:37 and "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him and He will make your paths straight" Proverbs 3:5-6. And lastly, "Now to Him who is able to do exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us" Ephesians 3:20. I finally made it home, talked to Josh, cried a little more and tried to calm down and relax. I continued to look for words/songs of encouragement, when I ran across "The Sun is Rising" by Britt Nicole. And oh, how this song spoke to my heart and soul. After listening to that song, I had a thought, a dream, a vision...whatever you wanna call it. It was Josh and me...we were riding in the car...going around super sharp turns and winding roads....and you couldn't see what was ahead...but we weren't afraid because Jesus was driving. We were just passengers on this trip...on this journey. Once we reached the end, it was a mountain that we had climbed and the view from the top was AMAZING...and there was a beautiful rainbow!! A rainbow to remind us of God's promises!! A peace came over me and I went to sleep.
We both slept most of the day on Thursday, and then the Lord sent a great little surprise my way. I was supposed to work, but they were really slow and they called me off. It was such a blessing. I just wanted to spend time with Josh, and just didn't think I had the strength to work in Labor and Delivery after the news we just got...not tonight. So I was thankful!! We went out to eat and that night Josh just held me, and prayed with me and we cried together. And yes, we were hurt and sad, but still trying to remain hopeful.
We both had to work Friday night, but I got off at midnight. I came home and slept for few hours and then woke up, restless, at 3:30 am. I surfed pinterest and facebook for a while, and then at 6 am, something told me to take a pregnancy test. I was supposed to take one by the Doctor's instructions the day before, but didn't because I thought I already had clear signs that I was not pregnant. But, I took one anyway, like I did nearly every month. And I waited. After a few minutes, this is what I saw:
And I sat there, in shock...in awe...not really sure what to do!! What??? We are PREGNANT?? Is this for real? After seeing so many "-" and "not pregnant," to see that was almost enough to make me hit the floor. And I did...on my knees...in prayer and praise! Thanking HIM for this incredible miracle. Just a few days ago, I thought I knew for sure I wasn't pregnant, and now this...the Lord is so Good! After much prayer and thanksgiving, I realized Josh would be home in a few short minutes. So I went to our collection of children's books, that we have given to one another over the years, for our future children. And I grabbed one. And what do you know, if the book wasn't entitled "I love you more than rainbows!" Rainbows...a sign of God's promises. I knew that was the perfect book. So I wrote Josh a little message, taped the test to the inside, planted a camera on the table and waited for him to come in.
Joy, indescribable Joy are the only words I know to use. It was a beautiful moment, a moment I just want to pause in time!! He too was in shock and awe, but the joy that came across his face when he read the words "You're Going to Be a DADDY" was truly priceless!
Little Baby DeYoung, Your Mommy and Daddy love you more than you'll ever know!! You'll never be able to comprehend the amount of joy that finding out you're on your way brought us! We've loved you long before now, and today our love multiplied...if that's even possible. We can't wait to meet you...can't wait to hold you! We Love You Little One!!
We will go to the doctor on Monday morning for further testing. We are still nervous, but there is one thing for certain..."We may not know what our future holds, but we know who holds our future!" Thank you Lord for this blessing...this beautiful SUNRISE! "To God Be the Glory, Great Things He has Done!"
"The Sun is Rising" by Britt Nicole
"When life has cut too deep and left you hurting.
The future you had hoped for is now burning,
And the dreams you held so tight have lost their meaning,
and you don't know if you'll ever find the healing...
You're gonna make it.
You're gonna make it.
The night can only last for so long.
Whatever you're facing, if your heart is breaking,
There's a promise for the ones who just hold on.
Lift up your eyes and see....THE SUN IS RISING."
